Article 01 Acceptance of terms
By visiting our website, ordering a pizza, eating a pizza, observing a pizza, dreaming about a pizza, or otherwise engaging with the Pizza Phil ecosystem (collectively, "engagement"), the citizen agrees to be bound by these Terms of Pizza ("the Terms").
If the citizen does not agree to the Terms, the citizen should not engage. We acknowledge this is a hard test for the citizen who is already eating one of our pizzas. The citizen should finish the pizza first, then disengage thoughtfully.
The Terms are binding upon the citizen, the citizen's heirs, the citizen's assigns, and any pizza-adjacent parties acting on the citizen's behalf. Phil's interpretation of the Terms is final and not subject to appeal, except by way of Form 14-B.
Article 02 Eligibility
To engage with Pizza Phil, the citizen must:
- Be at least thirteen (13) years of age, or accompanied by someone who is and who has eaten pizza at least once;
- Reside within or be lawfully visiting one of our twelve sanctioned territories;
- Be capable of consuming pizza, defined as having access to a mouth and a relationship with hunger;
- Not be a competing pizza authority engaged in reconnaissance.
Article 03 The services
Pizza Phil provides:
- The preparation, baking, and counter-side delivery of regulation hot pizza;
- The maintenance of a website and a hotline;
- The ongoing administration of the Charter and the Phil Council;
- The presence of Phil, in policy and (occasionally) in person.
We reserve the right to modify, suspend, expand, contract, or reimagine any of our services at any time, with or without notice, and with or without explanation, though we will usually attempt the latter.
Article 04 Orders and payment
Orders may be placed:
- In person, at any sanctioned territory;
- By telephone, via the hotline;
- Through our website, when functioning;
- By telepathic communication directly to Phil (results may vary).
All prices are in regulation currency and exclude applicable taxes, fees, and the optional surcharge for receiving the pizza in a box. Payment is due upon order. Phil does not extend credit, except to Phil himself, who is a known payer.
The citizen acknowledges that the order is a binding commitment to receive and pay for the specified pizza. Cancellations within fifteen (15) minutes of placement are accommodated cheerfully. Cancellations after the pizza has entered the oven are received with disappointment.
Article 05 Citizen conduct
The citizen agrees not to:
- Eat the pizza in a manner that brings the establishment into disrepute;
- Discuss other pizza establishments while inside a sanctioned territory;
- Bring outside pizza into a sanctioned territory under any circumstances;
- Photograph Phil without prior approval;
- Refer to Phil by his given name, his nickname, his middle name, or any pet name;
- Question, challenge, or seek to amend the Charter, except via Form 14-B;
- Speak loudly during the cheese pull (see Article 06).
Article 06 The cheese pull
The cheese pull is a critical operational milestone in the consumption of pizza, and is to be conducted with appropriate decorum. The citizen agrees to observe the following protocols:
- The first slice receives priority. Subsequent slices are negotiated in the cheese-pull queue.
- The citizen will not lower their head to meet the cheese; rather, the cheese will be elevated to meet the citizen.
- If the cheese pull breaks, the citizen will not be alarmed. This is normal. The cheese is not, in fact, infinite.
- Photography is permitted, but discreet photography is preferred.
Article 07 Refunds and remedies
Pizza Phil does not, as a matter of policy, offer refunds. The pizza, once issued, is the citizen's pizza. We will, however, in the spirit of generosity that Phil periodically embodies, offer the following remedies for legitimate complaints:
- The Replacement. A new pizza, prepared with extra care, may be issued at Phil's discretion.
- The Credit. A credit may be applied to a future order, redeemable within ninety (90) days at any sanctioned territory.
- The Apology. A handwritten apology from Phil, suitable for framing.
- The Acknowledgment. A formal acknowledgment that the citizen has been heard.
To request a remedy, submit Form 14-B at any sanctioned territory. A determination will be issued within four to six (4–6) weeks.
Article 08 Intellectual pizza
All content on this website — including but not limited to the Pizza Phil name, the Phil portrait, the Charter, the menu, the FAQ, the very phrase "you arrive," and the precise red used throughout — is the exclusive property of Pizza Phil and is protected by intellectual property law in every jurisdiction in which intellectual property law exists.
The citizen may not reproduce, distribute, transmit, modify, derive works from, or otherwise exploit our intellectual pizza without our express written permission. Personal photographs of pizza you have ordered, intended for personal use, are exempt and indeed encouraged.
Article 09 Disclaimers
The pizza is provided "as is," "as baked," and "as Phil intends." Pizza Phil makes no representation or warranty, express or implied, as to the pizza's:
- Suitability for any particular meal;
- Compliance with any specific diet;
- Resemblance to any pizza the citizen has previously enjoyed;
- Sufficient quantity for sharing.
The citizen consumes the pizza at their own pleasure and risk, with the understanding that pizza is, by its nature, hot.
Article 10 Limitation of liability
To the fullest extent permitted by law, Pizza Phil's total liability to the citizen, in any matter arising from or relating to the Terms or any pizza, shall not exceed the amount the citizen actually paid for the pizza in question.
Pizza Phil shall not be liable for any indirect, incidental, special, consequential, or punitive damages, including but not limited to: damaged appetite, regret, indigestion, lost time, broken diets, family disputes over the last slice, or the slow erosion of the citizen's belief that they could ever enjoy any other pizza again. The latter is, in fact, intentional.
Article 11 Force mozzarella
Pizza Phil shall not be liable for any failure or delay in performance arising from circumstances beyond our reasonable control, including but not limited to: oven malfunction, dough rebellion, basil shortage, regulatory action, acts of God, acts of larger and more powerful Phils, weather events, parade routes, and the occasional crisis of meaning that visits Phil between two and four in the afternoon.
Article 12 Disputes
Any dispute arising from or relating to the Terms shall first be submitted to the Phil Council via Form 14-B. The Council will review the matter and issue a determination within six to eight (6–8) fiscal quarters.
Should the citizen be dissatisfied with the determination, the dispute may be elevated to binding arbitration, conducted at a location of Phil's choosing, in accordance with rules drafted by Phil. Class action waivers apply, in those jurisdictions where they are enforceable, and in those where they are not, we acknowledge their unenforceability with grace.
Article 13 Severability
If any provision of the Terms is found to be unenforceable, the remaining provisions shall continue in full force and effect, like a slice that has been bitten from but remains, structurally, a slice.
Article 14 The whole thing
The Terms, together with the Privacy Charter and the Charter, constitute the entire agreement between the citizen and Pizza Phil regarding the citizen's engagement with our services. Any prior representations, whether oral, written, or implied — including offhand comments made at the counter, casual jokes about pineapple, or tentative promises made by junior employees — are superseded.
The Terms may be amended from time to time by Phil. Continued engagement following any amendment constitutes acceptance of the amended Terms. The citizen is encouraged to revisit this page periodically, perhaps after a satisfying meal.
We thank the citizen for their attention. Please enjoy your pizza.
